Such Things as Thieves

The irony of the injury from our preferred swords
Strikes me as sad.

My need for words made me weak
And your will would not bend
low for compliments and kindness.

Actions are All
I was too dull to perceive
The love you hammered and lifted,
twisted and restored for our subsistence.

My hands reached out
And I lifted my lips to kiss
As you retreated.

My tenderness seeped though songs
And verses that watered wilderness
I could not visit and will never see
In this life.

Even so,
It was effort that betrayed you,
And my wasted words withered, wounded
sealing our fate.

Store up sweetness!

Lavishly gift the garden that drinks and blooms!

Stop the sun cold
In its race across the sky
When you look in a lover’s face
Even though,
even though there are such
Things as thieves.

Embarrassment of Riches

I've been too busy to write much lately although normally I'm scratching mysterious lyrics and meter into my little black book. Writing facilitates consciousness for me, and I often discover my true thoughts and feelings when reading what I've written after the fact.

An ironic idea has been flitting through the background of my mind recently, and I thought I would try to capture it like a hapless butterfly in a net. It goes something like this: I'm either very "lucky", or this thing that appears to be a blessing is really evidence of how twisted my thinking is and it's only a matter of time until I wake up from this deceptively pleasant reverie. All to often I approach life in the spirit of the latter perhaps creating that very scenario. I glance about guiltily and qualify like crazy with, "Oh it's just," and, "We'll see how long," bracketing everything I say.

What if I were to simply state the facts and let that sink in? What is so frightening about facing my incredibly good fortune? In Pearl Buck's, "The Good Earth," the main characters hide the face of their beautiful new baby and loudly decry how sickly and sad it is so as to distract the gods' attention lest they catch wind of this blessing and snatch it from them. Ding dong little bell inside my head.

About five years ago I made a decision to stop looking at the divine as a sadistic SOB who wanted to make me suffer in order to uphold pious, pitiless standards that disregard any human happiness. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, and continues to be a challenge to comprehend how kindness and commitment work together for the good. With an open-hearted, trusting, and courageous approach, I will type in black and white the nature of the wonderful gifts that have "fallen into my lap" after years of the arduous work of putting myself in a position to receive.

1) I have a kind, talented, intelligent, hilarious, affectionate, expressive, not to mention handsome boyfriend that has brought me more delight and healing over the past months than I could have reasonably or wildly hoped for.
2) I have true friends that share their love, time, and resources with me.
3) I have a family that has been supportive and kind in the face of difficult divorce.
4) I have the opportunity to travel to Spain and support myself through teaching English while broadening my musical horizons and creating the psychological space for some much needed soul-searching.

I could certainly go on, but let me leave it at that. I want to say that I don't know why I get to have all this when so many have none of it, but as I write I realize something. It's too far to say that I deserve it, but it's also untrue to say that I have nothing to do with it. Somewhere in between lies the audacity to shout at the sky saying, "I want more!", or to leave what seems tolerable in search of something transformative. I'd like to get used to having a lot of metaphysical money in the bank even though there are such things as thieves.

Hooked

I took a little trip to Santa Rosa the last couple of days with my boyfriend. Besides a brief get-away before I go to Spain in a week and a half(Gasp! Denial. Tears. Guarded excitement.....), the real point of the trip was a "meet the family" sort of affair. He humorously suggested that I was trying to "get my hooks" into the important people in his life as to make me indespensible. I met at least three old friends per day over the course of three days, and like any good job interview, it was a two way street. I think both sides were duly satisfied with the knowledge that we all have each other's best interests at heart, and more importantly, we are all down with Monday night karaoke at the Flamingo (see photo above).

Ups and Downs

In the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, Teensy, one of the fab four gang of women pals can never resist taking off her clothes at their many social gatherings. Similarly, M. (to protect his innocence) and I are compelled to regale guests with our impassioned Neil Diamond lip sync presentations. Here you see us caught up in the emotion of "We're Coming to America" where the invisible masses shout, "Today!"

Certainly, it was one of the many highlights of the night including incredible performances by Christine La Pado and special (isn't he cute?!) guest, Dave Silva. My good girlfriends and I were overcome with emotion to be finally experiencing/witnessing one of my dearest dreams come true- playing with talented musicians I respect both professionally and personally. Check out this clip to see what I'm talking about:



As the saying goes, what comes up must come down, and I find myself facing the fact that I need to vacate the apartment that has been the silent witness and stage of this year's drama of separation, sadness, and rebirth. It's time to wrap dishes, stack books, and prepare for the upcoming season of wandering pilgrimage that I have come to see as necessary, exciting, and bittersweet. The writing of this morning's blog is both avoidance and acceptance as I probably should get my ass moving, but according to the laws of physics, all changes of direction require disruption of the inertia that holds us in patterns for better or worse, so raise your coffee mug, and toast with me to change.

Epic

I'm stealing the one word episode title idea from Denis Leary's TV series, "Rescue Me". I devoured the whole thing via rentals and iTunes downloads with my boyfriend in late night stupors and guilty afternoon viewings. I liked the idea of condensing the entire raison d'etre of each episode into one word. Very neat. Clean.

So my title for today's blog captures the essence of my Friday experience. Let's just say I spent a delightful morning with my boyfriend, and the following encounters/events also carried a weight far beyond their superficial appearances.

I left my apartment purring and proceeded to the last practice session before my "buen viaje" house concert with a local upright bass player extraordinaire. This is a woman I have known and admired almost my entire 18 year Chico experience and only in the last few years have had the pleasure of making more of her acquaintance. We've had a grand old time meeting once a week for the past month and a half working on a small set of my songs that we'll be performing tomorrow at my soiree. I've been playing mostly solo for the past five years and recently came the to conclusion that I need the energy and expertise of other musicians to create something a little more living with the songs that I've grown to know so well I forget what inspired me to write them in the first place. Our experience so far has only proven that it's exactly the medicine I've needed. We spent an hour running through the set in unexpected blissful enjoyment of the nuances we had discovered over the weeks. Acoustic guitar, vocals, and upright bass is a cocktail I want to get drunk on as often as possible.

From there it was lunch with my now officially ex-husband at one of my favorite hole in the wall Mexican restaurants that make me feel like I'm in Tijuana, a dining genre you could call 'good nasty'. We wanted to spend at least a little time together when we weren't signing documents or discussing official divorce business before I leave for Spain.

Everyone has an experience at some point or another -if they're lucky, of passing through their worst fear and discovering that, shockingly, they are still alive! I've had the growing impression that I died when I decided to walk out the door, and this past year has been spent as a ghost floating around my old haunts. At first it was an uncomfortable and even tragic sensation, but now I'm starting to feel like less of an apparition and more of a resurrection. The difference is the union of body, mind, and spirit. I spent the last five years with my mind staggering about like a grieving mother trying to make sense of senseless loss, my spirit burning off layers and layers of legalism and fear, and my poor body desperately seeking comfort it had blindly begged for for years.

As I sat with my ex over some chips and salsa, I felt strangely solid. There I was with the man I was 100% certain that I would spend the rest of my life with and we were talking about our new relationships, plans for the year, and friendly gossip. It was a scene I only imagined with foundless faith during the moments I cried so hard it seemed like anesthesia-free heart surgery complete with band saw sternum cracking would be a welcome alternative. Fast forward a year and a couple of tacos al pastor later, and it seemed like he was going to be alright, and I knew I was committed to that and more. I was starting to get the hang of making choices that respected reality and dreams, uniting the needs, wants, and greater good of my true self, and so was he.

The crowning event of the day was the LONG awaited bridal shower of my best friend. When you move in Christian circles, 35 is a ripe old age for marriage, and she received more than her share of shit and unsolicited advice on relationships than you can shake a stick at over the years. Here was her victory, her "I told you so!", her holy grail. This is a woman who's been in more countries than items you can bring to the quick check aisle who came to peace with the fact that, yes, she did want to get married, but not at any cost. There had been a lot of potential suitors, each equipped with their own cheering section, but no one who seemed to cherish the independent, adventurous, and idealistic spirit that makes her who she is. No one who didn't have that "Taming of the Shrew" look in their eyes. She had finally found a man 'man' enough to get that she's a free-range chicken. More power to her.



Every day can't be the top of the mountain from whence you look down the sheer cliffs at the curving path through the valley and say to yourself, "The way here is so obvious! How could I not have seen it?" Most days are spent pacing the endless miles on the plain, wandering through the forest's thick underbrush, or scaling rocks you blindly grope in search of a hand grip before your legs give out. But on the days you take the last steps, turn around and face the great wide open through which you passed to this peak, survey it all slowly. Breath deeply, take a drink, and feel the words that swirl and whisper all around and through you-

All things,
all things,
all things, dear one, are possible.

Camino de Karen

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a first step, so I've entitled my first entry as "Camino de Karen", or "Karen's Path". Not super exciting, but it's borrowed from the name of the walking pilgrimage (view map) I plan to take this August across northern Spain called the "Camino de Santiago". Some of you who read my other blogs may wonder why I've started up a new one. Simple as this: this site gives me the power to combine pictures and text in a way not available on my music websites. So, Lord willing, when I get the digital camera my mother so kindly offered to buy for my trip, I'll start clicking and posting away.

I wanted to have a cool little title for my blogspot, but efficiency won out, and I went for good old karenjoybrown.blogspot.com so as to make contact with me as easy as possible. I feel a bit like I'm sailing off the edge of the earth, so I'm holding on to the hope that the easier it is to digitally find me, the more communication I'll receive.

So, comment away, pass my link on to anyone who might be marginally interested, and join me on my camino.