Thursday, May 22, 2008

Embarrassment of Riches

I've been too busy to write much lately although normally I'm scratching mysterious lyrics and meter into my little black book. Writing facilitates consciousness for me, and I often discover my true thoughts and feelings when reading what I've written after the fact.

An ironic idea has been flitting through the background of my mind recently, and I thought I would try to capture it like a hapless butterfly in a net. It goes something like this: I'm either very "lucky", or this thing that appears to be a blessing is really evidence of how twisted my thinking is and it's only a matter of time until I wake up from this deceptively pleasant reverie. All to often I approach life in the spirit of the latter perhaps creating that very scenario. I glance about guiltily and qualify like crazy with, "Oh it's just," and, "We'll see how long," bracketing everything I say.

What if I were to simply state the facts and let that sink in? What is so frightening about facing my incredibly good fortune? In Pearl Buck's, "The Good Earth," the main characters hide the face of their beautiful new baby and loudly decry how sickly and sad it is so as to distract the gods' attention lest they catch wind of this blessing and snatch it from them. Ding dong little bell inside my head.

About five years ago I made a decision to stop looking at the divine as a sadistic SOB who wanted to make me suffer in order to uphold pious, pitiless standards that disregard any human happiness. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, and continues to be a challenge to comprehend how kindness and commitment work together for the good. With an open-hearted, trusting, and courageous approach, I will type in black and white the nature of the wonderful gifts that have "fallen into my lap" after years of the arduous work of putting myself in a position to receive.

1) I have a kind, talented, intelligent, hilarious, affectionate, expressive, not to mention handsome boyfriend that has brought me more delight and healing over the past months than I could have reasonably or wildly hoped for.
2) I have true friends that share their love, time, and resources with me.
3) I have a family that has been supportive and kind in the face of difficult divorce.
4) I have the opportunity to travel to Spain and support myself through teaching English while broadening my musical horizons and creating the psychological space for some much needed soul-searching.

I could certainly go on, but let me leave it at that. I want to say that I don't know why I get to have all this when so many have none of it, but as I write I realize something. It's too far to say that I deserve it, but it's also untrue to say that I have nothing to do with it. Somewhere in between lies the audacity to shout at the sky saying, "I want more!", or to leave what seems tolerable in search of something transformative. I'd like to get used to having a lot of metaphysical money in the bank even though there are such things as thieves.

3 comments:

Chaz said...

Appreciating the gifts you have is a difficult thing; pride and a sense of entitlement may follow, and one becomes accustomed to the pleasures earned through good works and words. Not all the labors which yeild return are manifested in ways we can sense, and showing thanks for what we have recieved is the only sure way to be happy.

Those who struggle can find their way to somewhere better; those who have not tasted misery cannot enjoy the flavor of victory.

Unknown said...

another stunning entry, possibly because i feel like it is my story, too... the day before my wedding! appreciating the delicious present is all that we have. i'm glad you are in it with me... today. :)
"let us be happy for this moment. for this moment is your life!"
much love,
lisa

ddv said...

Wow Karen... may the richness continue!